To my girls:
So now you know. This has been the little monster in my closet that I’ve been feeding for all this time.
It feels strangely satisfying, the experience of letting someone in on a secret obsession. I feel like I just offered you some insight into myself, and this was the point of getting to know each other better. I suppose this is a facet of my transparency.
I’m not sure if this will interest you, but feel free to look around. You may find out some of my tastes that you didn’t know before. Maybe it will say something about who I am.
And also, I would like to keep this not so much a secret, but more like a surprise. I don’t want everyone to see my ideas until the actual day!
On a More Serious Note
So, it was December 20th when Leo said the M word. And yes, I still haven’t stopped thinking about it. Due in large part to the lengthy conversations held last night (or rather, this morning), I think I have several truths that I can lay out.
- I don’t fully grasp all the implications of spending an entire lifetime with someone. Yes, it’s been romanticized beyond practical application by the media, and I feel like my personal perspective on it has been skewed due to this. A lifetime is such a very long time, and right now, I honestly can’t even picture myself this time next year.
- I don’t understand the difficulties of being with a person all the time. As surprising as this sounds, due to both of our temperamental personalities, Leo and I have never had a big disagreement. It’s always small silly things said jokingly, such as fighting over who gets to throw away the other’s trash. However, in life, there are bound to be conflicts, and right now, I have expectations that are much too idealistic to be realistic, and I don’t think I am emotionally ready to handle those conflicts when they do come just yet.
- God has a plan for me. I have complete faith that no matter what happens, it will have been written out by the Creator in order to have the best ending. I can’t see the future, but I know and trust the One who made it. So, I don’t need to worry needlessly.
I do have some confessions, though. I honestly have seriously considered what if God really does end up putting us together, and I couldn’t suppress a bit of glee and excitement. Right now at this point, I can’t even fathom being with anyone else. Who would have thought that we would meet because Dora was being nice at DCCYC and introduced him to me as “the kid who can make a cricket noise”? It’s crazy, the stories that God writes sometimes for us, isn’t it? He is everything I was looking for, but didn’t realize I needed.
Most importantly, I truly and deeply feel that as a result of all this, we have each been brought closer to God. In getting to know him, I have learned to have complete trust in the perfectness and timeliness of God’s plan. In each of our trials, we have been more faithful in prayer and encouragement, and done our best to fulfill the triangle relationship hierarchy between ourselves and God.
Ultimately, I do not know the future, but I can say I am excited and hopeful for it. I know God already has it all planned, and I only need to let go. My purpose in sharing this with all of you is that you might keep me accountable in all this. As girls, it is so easy to get caught up, and I really do need each of you to correct me when I fall. I would greatly appreciate your prayers, and I really look forward to seeing how this story plays out with all of you.
Thank you for reading, darlings~